Will Work for Money

It's been a while since I last updated this blog, but my recent unemployment means I'll have a lot more time to share my thoughts with you. My loss is your gain!

Below I've outlined my new schedule. Feel free to borrow from it if you find yourself without a job to fuel the economic engine that is America. Which was probably built by Toyota ...

9 AM - Rise and shine! Check TMZ to make sure no celebrities died while I was asleep.

10 AM - Begin job search online. Screen out ads that want photos along with the application. Fool me once ...

11 AM - Ponder what a man's relationship is to his work, and whether he can stay proud while living off the government.

12 PM - Cheetoh time!

1 PM - Practice writing name with different titles, like "Greg Sidor, Asst. CIA Director," and "Greg Sidor, Pastry Chef."

2 PM - 4 PM - Spruce up the resume with more powerful adjectives, less offensive verbs.

5 PM - Yell "It's quitting time, boys!" to puzzled squirrels outside window.

6 PM - 11PM - Crunchy Cheetoh time!

Keep checking back for more chuckles and guffaws! Best of all, they're free!

Best Purchase Ever

I am a nerd for "Jurassic Park" like Oprah is a nerd for cake. So when I found out that Sideshow Collectibles was making models based on the film, I whipped out my credit card and gave in to the consumer impulse that President Bush said will help us win the war on terror.

The first piece is based on the climactic scene where the T-Rex kills two Raptors in the Visitor's Center. The "Exclusive Edition" with the "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth" banner was already sold out, but I was more than happy to go with the standard model. 

Check out the detail on the Raptor in T-Rex's mouth. I love how the tongue is sticking out in a final death scream. Those Raptors had it coming anyway ... what with hunting kids and all.

If you'd like your own, head to www.sideshowcollectibles.com. It's limited to a series of 750, so order now!

There are more pieces on the way, which means I better start saving. I'm sure my girlfriend will love the flair they bring to the apartment. 

A WASP Dream

Is anyone else creeped out by the family photo released by John McCain and Sarah Palin? C'mon, folks, my sheets aren't even this white! And what's with the "Sunday's best" outfits?

It looks like they just came out of a sermon blaming Hurricane Gustav on Charles Darwin.

I'm not trying to kick off a race war, but if the GOP thinks this is what America looks like today, they haven't been outside much. But who can blame them, they probably burn easy.

Kudos for choosing a woman for the VP spot, but I'd have added to the diversity by nominating Vida Guerra instead. Google it - you'll thank me later.

Mitt and Mike Duke it Out

The GOP presidential race has become quite the sideshow for we secular progressives.

The sparring between "Stormin' Mormon" Mitt Romney and Mike "Go Huck Yourself" Huckabee comes down to this: Which guy's religion is the right kind of crazy to win the evangelical vote?

Mitt is trying desperately to convince us he won't have more than one first lady, and Mike is all too glad to feed the public's ignorance on Mormonism.

Romney finds himself giving sermons about his faith to a confused Republican public who are too lazy or suspicious to crack a book and have at the facts themselves. Suddenly it's not about politics or America at all, but about golden tablets and giant arks.

It comes down to this: Evangelicals don't want a president, they want a pope. They're as interested in the War on Christmas as they are the war in Iraq. When social issues dominate, policy issues sink away.

Maybe that's what it's all about. Rather than consider what the future consequences of torturing prisoners may be, candidates can argue about the Second Coming. After all, who needs to worry about foreign policy when you're about to get Raptured away?

Rendered speechless

This blog hasn't been updated since September, and unlike my last prolonged absence, it wasn't due to fulfilling my obligations to the Victoria's Secret Angels.

In fact, I just grew tired of my own voice. Not writer's block, really, as my unsent letters to Anne Hathaway continue to pile up on the desk. It's been more of a hiatus. I am going to try to update much more often from now on.

The holiday season has begun. This year I'm keeping my wish list short and sweet: I don't want to be drafted into a war with Iran. It's not that I don't appreciate the Persian people... indeed, their women are some of the most beautiful in the Middle East. I just really hate getting sand in my underpants. Not to mention I might run off with a member of Ahmadinejad's harem and complicate the situation even more! Oh, wouldn't my commander's face be red?

I'm going to close with a quote from an old, dead white guy: "We have seen the enemy, and they are hot."

Welcome!

Welcome to the new home of The Night Shift, a blog begun during the wee hours of the morning at the L.A. Daily News.

You can count on the same witty insight and scathing commentary, as well as news about beautiful women whose hearts I would only break.

So bookmark me and keep coming back for the next fresh serving of Sidor.