Thousands "fall down stairs" after Olympic announcement

By Greg Sidor

Visibly shaken Olympic officials and Danish citizens struggled to explain to a curious world how thousands of them managed to fall down the stairs shortly after Brazil won the competition for the 2016 Olympics.

"Everyone knows I'm a clutz," said Pierre Belfonte, head of the International Olympic Committee. "I just wasn't paying attention and fell down a flight of stairs - repeatedly."

The Chicago delegation went unharmed and spent the rest of the day extending their well wishes to Brazil.

"I don't know nuthin' about any stairs," claimed Chicago Mayor Richard Daley. "All's I can say is we tried everything to persuade our friends in the IOC to see things our way. They chose to go with Rio, and we wish them the best."

"Nothing happened, just a little tumble," said Hans van der Wolf, a bike courier in Copenhagen. "Really no story here. Sure wish Chicago would've gotten the games, though."

While thousands sought medical attention after their injuries, not one security camera caught the eerie event.

"Awful suspicious that all those tapes went missing," said Chicago booster Vinny "The Fish" Babino. "You's all should run a more professional operation with us here in town."

"We want to thank our generous hosts in Denmark," said talk-show host Oprah Winfrey. "We hope you consider us again in 2020, so we can all meet up and see if we can't come to a more amicable agreement."

Sarah at the Top of the World

The cold Himalayan wind raged at my exposed skin. We were only 500 feet from the summit of Everest, and things were unraveling fast.

Below me I could barely see our sherpa brace himself against the icy rock. He looked beat up and exhausted.

I knew Sarah Palin was somewhere to my left, but had lost sight of her when the wind picked up. Suddenly I felt the rock shake as she dug a spike into the side of the mountain. It was Sarah - and she wasn't giving up.

"Can you make it?" I yelled over the howling blizzard.

She took a moment to catch her breath, visibly shaken by the infusion of ice-cold air into her lungs. Then she turned to me and said, with a steely resolve, "You betcha!"

We kept climbing, when suddenly I lost my footing and slid a few feet down the steep slope.

"Too much ice!" the sherpa yelled. "We must turn back to camp and try again in the morning!"

"NO!" Palin yelled. "We're almost there - I'm not turning back now."

"Why are you willing to risk it all? The summit will be there tomorrow!" the sherpa protested.

"Because Barack Hussein Obama's Kenyan birth certificate might not be!" she yelled.

"I'm with you, Sarah!" I shouted my encouragement as we both started uphill again.

Within the hour the peak came into view. While my skin was frost-bitten, I knew it would be worth it once we reached the top and snatched the document.

Sarah got there first. By the time I pulled myself to the peak, I could tell something was wrong.

"It's not here!" she yelled.

"Maybe it's under the snow?" I told her. We both begin pawing at the powder and ice around us.

Suddenly I saw Sarah's usually blush face turn a pale grey.

"What is it, former governor? What's wrong?" I asked.

She lifted her hand out of a hole and held up a DVD box set of "Real Time with Bill Maher."

"We've been had!" she yelled. "Gosh-darn democrats sent us to to top of the world chasing a ghost!"

"Sarah, maybe this is a sign. Maybe there ISN'T a Kenyan birth certificate," I suggested. She focused her eyes on me, and her voice came through clear as day against the wind.

"It exists. It's out there. Lou Dobbs as my witness, we will find it," she said.

I turned to look back down the mountain.

"Hey, where's the sherpa?" I asked.

We both surveyed what little we could see through the snow.

"I guess the little guy didn't have it in him," she said. "Turned tail and ran. Probably a plant from Maher and his liberal, lefty friends."

On our way back down to the foot of the mountain we found the frozen body of our sherpa. He had lost his footing and fallen hundreds of feet.

"Dammit!" I yelled. "Another good man lost on this wild-goose chase!"

Sarah steadied me with her firm grip. "The price we pay for freedom is high. He's in a better place now - purgatory for unbelievers."

Cast of "The Hills" Fairly Certain Newcomer is an Alien

By Greg Sidor

The cast of the hit MTV show "The Hills" expressed concern Sunday that new cast member Tyler Orion may in fact be an extra-terrestrial.

While producers insist Tyler is another addition from the affluent community of Laguna Beach, star Heidi Montag became suspicious of Orion during the first week of shooting the current season.

"He didn't know about any of the hot spots in L.A., like H'Wood or Hyde. When I told him we were going to The Saddle Ranch, he asked if he should bring along his surgical tools," Montag said.

Producer Lucy Plaza said she attributes Orion's awkward debut to nothing more than the jitters.

"Tyler isn't a club kid. He's got real goals and is trying to fit that into the lifestyle he sees around him on Earth - and Hollywood, specifically," she explained.

Spencer Pratt, known for causing controversy on the show, was injured after getting in a bar fight with Orion.

"He was macking on my girl Heidi," Pratt said, "so I stepped up and asked what was going on. Next thing I know, I'm down on the ground - paralyzed - and he's screaming some crazy Spanish or something," Pratt said.

Orion himself says it was nothing more than self-defense.

"Fellow human Spencer displayed signs of aggression regarding my attempts to communicate with life form Heidi. The music was bangin' and I just wanted to party, so I diffused the situation," Orion said on the after-show.

While Orion's first few weeks on the show have been rough, many expect him to stay on and pursue a budding romance with Audrina Patridge.

"You appear fertile," Orion said in the latest episode. "I may require your assistance after we achieve intoxication."

Alien or not, MTV expects the out-of-this-world ratings to continue.

Virulent pathogens lobby hard against health-care reform

Washington, D.C. - The world's most deadly viruses and bacteria have emerged as some of the most passionate opponents of health-care reform in the United States.

Making a rare appearance at a town hall forum in Minnesota, Necrotizing fasciitis, also known as the flesh-eating bacteria, complained about the prospect of universal care.

"This country is drifting towards socialism!" yelled the visibly agitated scourge. "I didn't spawn millions of children to see them grow up in a new U.S.S.R.!"

Standing at the podium, Rep. Michele Bachman (R - Minnesota), responded, "We have to get down on our knees and pray that this doesn't go through. American's have the best health-care system in the world, and we can defeat Obamacare if we all wish real hard."

"I just want to know where his birth certificate is!" shouted the human immunodeficiency virus, better known as HIV. "He's a Kenyan, and I don't know why you people aren't doing anything about it!"

Other audience members nodded in agreement.

Laura Peskin, a mother of four from suburban St. Paul, said, "This just makes me very uneasy, this creep of socialized medicine. I'm glad that the pathogens showed up to add their voice."

Outside the town hall, the Ebola virus climbed on top of a makeshift stage to address the lingering crowd.

"Let the free market do it's work. Let us infect and ravage you based not on the interference of universal care, but on our ability to cause painful blisters, oozing sores, and the total collapse of your immune defenses," Ebola said.

The speech was so rousing that Ebola will be a guest on the Glenn Beck program tonight on Fox News Channel.

"This disease has unique insight into what truly causes Americans to get sick and suffer. Ebola has the kind of outside-the-Beltway experience that the eggheads in Washington lack. Everyone has a voice, and I don't see why the liberal left is so afraid of what our deadly friends have to add," said Beck on his radio program.

Jesus is my Job Coach

I'm not very religious, but one thing you can't argue is that Jesus Christ knew how to trade-up in the work world.

Starting out as a humble carpenter, he managed to achieve the title of Messiah by age 35. Granted, his dad helped him get the job, but is this any different from most powerful people?

The difference is, of course, he actually had to work, and died for our sins instead of landing gently with a golden parachute. That last part I'd like to avoid.

What I'm getting at with this possibly sacreligious entry is that the unemployed of the world need to start searching for jobs in unexplored fields. I am looking for editorial, Web, or marketing work with the hope that a good opportunity comes my way. I'd also offer to reach high objects for Kim Jong Il.

I feel capable of trying new things, and though I don't anticipate gaining millions of followers, I think JC had the right idea when he left home and lived up to his full potential.

Please address all complaints to:

Dick Cheney
c/o The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Because why not?

Will Work for Money

It's been a while since I last updated this blog, but my recent unemployment means I'll have a lot more time to share my thoughts with you. My loss is your gain!

Below I've outlined my new schedule. Feel free to borrow from it if you find yourself without a job to fuel the economic engine that is America. Which was probably built by Toyota ...

9 AM - Rise and shine! Check TMZ to make sure no celebrities died while I was asleep.

10 AM - Begin job search online. Screen out ads that want photos along with the application. Fool me once ...

11 AM - Ponder what a man's relationship is to his work, and whether he can stay proud while living off the government.

12 PM - Cheetoh time!

1 PM - Practice writing name with different titles, like "Greg Sidor, Asst. CIA Director," and "Greg Sidor, Pastry Chef."

2 PM - 4 PM - Spruce up the resume with more powerful adjectives, less offensive verbs.

5 PM - Yell "It's quitting time, boys!" to puzzled squirrels outside window.

6 PM - 11PM - Crunchy Cheetoh time!

Keep checking back for more chuckles and guffaws! Best of all, they're free!

Best Purchase Ever

I am a nerd for "Jurassic Park" like Oprah is a nerd for cake. So when I found out that Sideshow Collectibles was making models based on the film, I whipped out my credit card and gave in to the consumer impulse that President Bush said will help us win the war on terror.

The first piece is based on the climactic scene where the T-Rex kills two Raptors in the Visitor's Center. The "Exclusive Edition" with the "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth" banner was already sold out, but I was more than happy to go with the standard model. 

Check out the detail on the Raptor in T-Rex's mouth. I love how the tongue is sticking out in a final death scream. Those Raptors had it coming anyway ... what with hunting kids and all.

If you'd like your own, head to www.sideshowcollectibles.com. It's limited to a series of 750, so order now!

There are more pieces on the way, which means I better start saving. I'm sure my girlfriend will love the flair they bring to the apartment.