Virulent pathogens lobby hard against health-care reform

Washington, D.C. - The world's most deadly viruses and bacteria have emerged as some of the most passionate opponents of health-care reform in the United States.

Making a rare appearance at a town hall forum in Minnesota, Necrotizing fasciitis, also known as the flesh-eating bacteria, complained about the prospect of universal care.

"This country is drifting towards socialism!" yelled the visibly agitated scourge. "I didn't spawn millions of children to see them grow up in a new U.S.S.R.!"

Standing at the podium, Rep. Michele Bachman (R - Minnesota), responded, "We have to get down on our knees and pray that this doesn't go through. American's have the best health-care system in the world, and we can defeat Obamacare if we all wish real hard."

"I just want to know where his birth certificate is!" shouted the human immunodeficiency virus, better known as HIV. "He's a Kenyan, and I don't know why you people aren't doing anything about it!"

Other audience members nodded in agreement.

Laura Peskin, a mother of four from suburban St. Paul, said, "This just makes me very uneasy, this creep of socialized medicine. I'm glad that the pathogens showed up to add their voice."

Outside the town hall, the Ebola virus climbed on top of a makeshift stage to address the lingering crowd.

"Let the free market do it's work. Let us infect and ravage you based not on the interference of universal care, but on our ability to cause painful blisters, oozing sores, and the total collapse of your immune defenses," Ebola said.

The speech was so rousing that Ebola will be a guest on the Glenn Beck program tonight on Fox News Channel.

"This disease has unique insight into what truly causes Americans to get sick and suffer. Ebola has the kind of outside-the-Beltway experience that the eggheads in Washington lack. Everyone has a voice, and I don't see why the liberal left is so afraid of what our deadly friends have to add," said Beck on his radio program.

Jesus is my Job Coach

I'm not very religious, but one thing you can't argue is that Jesus Christ knew how to trade-up in the work world.

Starting out as a humble carpenter, he managed to achieve the title of Messiah by age 35. Granted, his dad helped him get the job, but is this any different from most powerful people?

The difference is, of course, he actually had to work, and died for our sins instead of landing gently with a golden parachute. That last part I'd like to avoid.

What I'm getting at with this possibly sacreligious entry is that the unemployed of the world need to start searching for jobs in unexplored fields. I am looking for editorial, Web, or marketing work with the hope that a good opportunity comes my way. I'd also offer to reach high objects for Kim Jong Il.

I feel capable of trying new things, and though I don't anticipate gaining millions of followers, I think JC had the right idea when he left home and lived up to his full potential.

Please address all complaints to:

Dick Cheney
c/o The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC 20500

Because why not?